another · waste · of · my · time

So its been an interesting couple of days emotionally. It can all be written off because I'm menstral, but sometimes I'm curious if during my period it merely brings to the surface things that are already there except burried deep. hmmm...

Well, anyhow this week has been jealousy and self-esteem crisis week. special. I've never really struggled much with my body image or my worth in other people's eyes until college. I was never a "popular" girl, but I wasn't a bottom feeder either, and mostly unaffected by all that crap in my younger years, but being a commercial vocal major and Belmont has brought that out sadly. Honestly, its a great school, with great supportive people, but simply because of the nature of the industry we're going into there is competition and a need to have a "look" per se. Now most of the time, my look (for class at least) is throw on a t-shirt and deoderant. But where every other girl wants to be a pop-star, they tend to dress that way. One of my girl-friends inparticular has really been getting to me. She's beautiful, talented, has an amazing drive and passion for what she's doing and she just has that thing you know? That extra something that is just sexy. And unfortunatly, even though I'm older, she (like sooooooo many people in my life) has the unintentional condecending sweetness to me. Like, "aw, sweet Megan- you're not even gossip worthy hunny!" Additionally, much to my chagrin, all the boys at Belmont are very polite and appropriate with the fact that I'm married and I've never been hit on or made to feel uncomfortable. However, there is an occasional moment where, when I walk into a room with maybe a couple other girls there's the "oooh, Sarah- lookin' good girl, Lindsey I love those pants, hi Megan." Not that I even want attention from other guys, I have a husband who thinks I'm amazing, and tells me so many times a day...and is genuine, and creative, and meaningful. But sometimes, we all just want to be noticed. To be given credit for the things we've accomplished. For people to give us a pat on the back.

So I had my moment with Justin where I told him all this crap and admitted that is was selfish, unadulterated jealousy and I should have no part in it! And he was a very good listener, assured me that I have not trasformed into a frumpy boring housewife, and was quite delicious on a daily basis. But then I had to go out and face the cruel collegiate world and be reminded that I'll never be one of the "pretty" girls and to just live with it, and began sulking again.

There is something about that call from a girlfriend whose known you since you had your braces and couldn't fix your hair to save your life, and remind you that we all feel like this from time to time, but dammit- we're still amazing women. And she also reminded me of a time where we had this conversation several years ago. heh. And let's just say that I'm doing a hell of alot cooler things that those people now. Besides all this, it just simply does not matter what anyone else thinks or says about me. I was created- God breathed life into me, made me who I am and gave me unique and fulfilling purpose. How amazing is that? I have worth, and identity in Him, and that's enough to get me through my monthly celebration of bleeding.

love.

I've decided that too many people can read my xanga...that there are times when I really wanna write and can't. Plus, this is yet another online time waster that I simply couldn't resist. So hello friends: I give you more reading. I wont even quiz you.

Weekend Update classic for SNL: "Yesturday a woman gave birth to a 17 llb baby. She will be speaking with news correspondants as soon as her vagina is put back together."

For those of you who are wondering this is in response to a quite lovely "coming out" of my friend and I realized that I too had a confession to make.

I consider myself to be quite romantic...call it high or low maintnence (or just that I cant make up my mind) I test evenly on ALL of the 5 love languages. Write me a letter, give me a hug, pick and blade or grass or take out my garbage I will melt into a puddle because you tried to do something nice for me. I cry during Gieco commercials and pretty much every week during church...in fact my eyes are perpetually watering. And I even sprinkle rose petals in my room that I bought myself. I am a romantic.

However...

I find myself thinking smart ass things all the time. Like the little comments about the way a person is dressed like "oh bless her heart, she forgot the rest of her skirt today" or when someone is seemingly sincere thinking "awe, isn't that cute of you to put on a facad for me" or when people ask me how my day is going saying "It's horrible but you don't care because its just cultural to ask how someone is doing". Shocking...maybe, but friends I have realized I am a closet cynic. Or maybe its just the fact that the two of us have been hanging out for way to long eh Izzy? ;)

hi. So a hillarious post to a past entry inspired me not to write the paper I have due in several hours- but to update my journal for you lovely people that check on it regularly. (All thanks can go to Derek Knisely)
So Life has been interesting to say the least. I have the high the low and the mediocure all at once! Talk about emotional confusion eh? Welcome to my life. It's 80 days to my wedding and I only get more excited and confident and less and less scared mainly because I have the greatest husband to be in the world and we talk about everything. If I have any bit of advice for anyone getting married it is to talk- make nothing taboo. If you go into your marriage thinking "I wonder how he/she feels about that" thats not a good thing- especially if its sex. So on that hand: I have the high. I have a wonderful counterpart in life and he is the only person with the slightest incling on how to help me not fall to pieces. And I don't mean in the Patsy Cline context either. Then there's the low: my family is falling apart at the seams and aparently its all my fault. Talk about wanting to jump back in the womb and start over. Have you ever had so much anxiety over something that you fear both getting up in the morning AND going to bed at night? Thats how I feel right now. I feel helpless to face my days and scared to get through the night. So then I dont sleep. And then we have the monotenous mediocrity of trying to get through school, work and daily responsibilities and try to forget all the other things that are swirling through your head. A much dserved Llama face inserted here!!!! I'm this close to eloping and moving to Europe.
And yet, I sit here and think, how do people cope with stuff like this without Christ? I will admit to you I don't lean on him like I need to, but I always know he's there, and I can sense his hand guiding me and holding me. Life would be utterly pointless without him. Well, I'm on a live journal kick so I'm going to go read Elizabeth's- you should go read hers too! It can be a field trip! yay! Peace out all my homies.

BUT MY COMPUTER HAS BEEN ON THE BLINK ALMOST ALL SEMESTER AND I DONT LIKE EMOTING IN PUBLIC. But I'm fine, really. Sigh and now is not the time I want to talk about computers. Just to catch you up to speed on the tone of my last enrty, its been a bit of a trying few months. The whole not sleeping things wore on to the point on depression. I was in this funk that I couldn't explain and just was dissatisfied with pretty much all my circumstances. So my darling roommate the psychology major tells me that I'm probably psycho-sematically stressed. So I'm thinking, mhuaaaaa, I'm not a crazy person! But no folks, psycho-selgskdhglsdfhgsl whatever is a real thing. Basically it means my emotional state is effecting my body physically- yeah great, yet another thing I can add to the list of "hi, I'm a woman and I'm a basket case, but thats ok- its genetic" llama face!!! But things weren't getting much better and Justin even started to get worried about me which takes alot cause he knows that PMS is quite a reality in my life so he normally takes it in stride. But I am a naturally perky happy-go-lucky person. I'm a people person, and its takes alot for me to get real down. So whats up with this? Well I figure, either I have an attitude problem and need to get over myself or I am discontent for a reason....

Make a long story medium length I'm not staying here at LU after this semester. No hard feelings, but I've been trying to kindly avoid what God really has in store for me and he was not about to allow me joy outside of his will. I am a performer, I am a musical person, I feel alive on stage and I am marrying a man who wants to do just that and for us to do it as a team and tell people about Jesus! So...has anything I've done in the past year moved me along in that happy direction. well..no. I'm just a scardey cat, thats all there is to it, and yes like every person on the earth I have confidence issues and I was just trying to shy away from majoring in music and bustin' loose of my comfort zone. But God's kinda doin the Jordan river deal- like, the overwhemling scary rapids wont stop till I jump in. heh. SOOOOOOOOO, I'm going to Belmont in that fall- commercial music/vocal performance heeeeeeeeeeere I come! whew- kinda exhilerating to feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants, but God is in control, and I'm letting him have control. And while I still HATE my dorm room- gee, who doesnt? Its just a holding place for another month. No sweat, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now, I can see what I'm doing. And all the while I have the most supportive best friends in the world one of which I have the greatest honor to marry, the other who for some strange reasons seems to be on the same peaks and valleys as me on this emotional journey called life- oh boy was THAT the cheesiest thing I've EVER said. But I dont know what I'd do without these angels. They are my support system.

ok so there's a million others things to say, but more lata. much love.

I have having MAJOR dorm room cabin fever. It seems like every day I get more and more sick of this hole in the wall that I will call home for the next 5 months. I dont have room for half my stuff, and yet the half that I do have overtakes the room and I constantly feel like I'm overwhelming my roommate with my junk, nothing ever stays clean, no matter how hard you try and nothing works for that matter- the showers are a torture chamber, burning you and freezing you back and forth all the time. Good luck eating healthy cause cooking is a pain in the butt- I cook on one little burner that I bought out in our sweet or in my room and there isnt a place to set anything so this morning I dropped an egg on the floor..on the carpeted floor. You can't sleep because the walls are paper thin so girls from two suites away can keep you up if they are loud enough, and then you feel bad for being asleep and making everyone else feel like they have to be quiet. I cant keep any amount of food in my fridge so I run out of groceries like, mid-week. AH!! If only I could afford rent and I would just move out early and set up house for when Justin and I get married. Uhg, looks like the Lord is teaching me perserverance! Darn him. The only thing keeping me sane are my suite-mates. If I didnt have great people to live with I would pull my hair out. Yay for my girls. Wow- I've written two complaining posts in a row- my appologies. I promise to be more positive next time, lol.

So what random events can I share with you today? Let's see...in the realm of wedding planning I now have a cake! Yay! And its going to be waay prettier than I anticipated within our budget. And yummy flavors. I'm so esssited! Makes me want to eat cake right now...mmm. OK back to reality. I also have my dress on its way to be hemmed so I will have a completely finished ready to walk down the isle dress in two weeks!! AHH! yay!! Which means I also have shoes and they are really cute with a big flower on the toe part- trust me, its cute. So life is good in that regard. I'm already losing motivation for school, which is bad considering its only the second week of school...sigh. Especially in the music realm, I just really am burning out. I thought that I wouldn't burn out because I'm only minoring, but I just have little to no interest in what I am learning currently. Is that bad? Am I a bad kid for wanting to quit? Sigh...sometimes I just feel like on the one hand, if I quit then everyone will be mad at me and dissapointed in me but I'll be happier. And then on the other hand, if I dont quit, I'll feel good about trudging on through something I didnt like a whole lot and come out smarter and with more scholarship money. I guess thats what school is about eh? Sucks. When do I get to do something I love? Oh and then it all comes back to Jeremiah 29:11, ok ok- thanks alot God, ruin my pity party. I'm also having a friend pity party too, cause I miss mine, except its not in a depressed way right now, its more in an annoyed way. I'm annoyed that I dont have Elizabeth here so I can have a conversation without saying anything and not really have to talk, but tell her everything thats going on in my life, and I miss back scratches too. Familiarity with a person is quite conforting ya know? On the flip side I'm so glad that Justin is my friend cause if I couldnt act like a complete bafoon around him, life would be so sad! Like last night we had a one-foot-hopping race. He won. rar. And then we spun around in circles till we fell down and sang a bunch of country songs we like really loud and obnoxiously so everyone could hear and go- what the heck are they smoking? Thats fun, yay for Justin, he can stay and sit by me.

And moving on...Cards won tonight against undefeated Cincinnatti and by quite alot and I'm very proud of those boys- its an exciting time to be a Louisville fan. And its really cute to watch Justin watching the game, he gets all excited and keyed up and its hillarious.

I'm taking a break from LOTR, there was a niec sense of closure after the movie, and I think I'm going to start reading Chronicles of Narnia, so look forward to commentary on that. We'll be exploring another side of my dorkiness- aren't you trembling with excitment? Well, I think I shall away, bed is sounding more and more wonderful. I leave you with a quote from a band that my friend Derek likes. It's very deep and serious- pay close attention. Goodnight.


Get patchouli
Get the dreadlock
Get the sandle
Stinky Hippy today
Stinky hippy stinky hippy
Persperation.

so over Christmas break I had my first bridal shower. And while I was really excited and expected the typical girly light hearted fun times, I didnt anticipate how much love- and gifts- were about to be "showered" upon me. That must be why they are entitled thus, cause its very appropraite to what goes on. I was overwhelmed not only by how much my maid of honor did to plan the darn thing- every last little touch was so sweet and heartfelt and thought out with such care, but also by how much the rest of my family is going to do to make my big day special. When you get married people just step in and take care of you. I did get alot of stuff that was on our registery, but many things were homemade and so thoughtful. There were some embarasing moments as well- as in I got certain articles of clothing...well, sorta clothing. I got a nightgown from Justin's MOM- AWKWARD! But sweet of her nonetheless. And of all the things I got, the one that got to me was what Justin's mom put together for me, and mostly the card that went with it. Her's was last and her and one of my aunts bring out this huge oversized laundry basket full of every single stinking cleaning supply you could imagine- like, several months worth. Everything from toilet paper, to swiffer thingys, to laundry detergent and air freshener, and just EVERYTHING. I cant even remember it all! And on top of this huge mound of cleaning goodness was a card that said "to the future Megan Shaffer" except the "to the future" part was really small, so all I see is Megan Shaffer on top of this pile of at least $100 worth of stuff and I lost it, I started crying out of nowhere. Didnt anticipate it, didnt see it coming at all, but I was so overwhelmed with the reality of holy cow- I'm getting married! In less than 6 months I will have a different name, I will be a fully committed wife of the person that I've practically spent most of my adolecsent growing up with and get to see him change from the 16 year old I first met to at 87 year old, and still be learning amazing things about his character and heart. That is a blessed thing my friends, I am so psyched that God gave us this gift! So all this just came to a head with the laundry basket and I had this realization that- hmm, so I'm guessing ALL my make-up best be waterproof on the day ya think? lol. So anyway we ate lots of yummy good things...chocolate mmmmm... *daydreams* OH, right- writing, got it. We also played a trivia game about me, hehe. People answered questions about me and if they got them all right they won a prize. Overall, a great day, one of my favorite days thus far. Ok, your gag relex has been sufficiently tested, I'm leaving now. bye bye.

The music sweetly drew to a close as I watched Sam walk home, take his daughter in his arms and say the very same words that Mr. Tolkien wrote half a century ago. "Well, I'm back". My knees were weak and tears rolled down my face. After the audience finished a roaring applause, I had to take a deep breath and emotoinally step out of Middle Earth because the journey is now complete.

Yes there were discrepencies from the book, and things left out (that we eagerly await EE DVD for) but nothing was taken away from this beautiful story that was so fulfilling to see played out on screen. Having read ROTK three times before seeing the film, I was still on the edge of my seat as I saw the events unfold. I was nervous and scared and moved and sad at all the points that I had been as I read the book- except Shelob was more terrifying to see than I anticipated! I kinda squirmed in my chair all through that part. I was moved not only by the masterpiece that Tolkien has created but by the actors performance as well. You felt like you had been on the journey with them, and you are silently rooting for their victory. This was truly the chapter in this tale where everyone sort of "stepped up to the plate". No one has given up hope of, but they go to battle with the anticipation of death. What's beautiful is that there's this unspoken understanding of peace knowing that they will die beside their friends, and that presses them further to give it their all. But the awesome thing is that they don't perish and neither does Middle Earth. There were extreme sacrifices made on all parts- leaving home, family and all things comfortable in life behind.

I'm kinda aprehensive to get too deep here for fear that you might think I've gone to far in my love for LOTR, but let me reassure you that its not just because I love the characters, or the fantastical elements- they are wonderful, but what touches me and keeps me coming back to this tale is how much it speaks to life, and to my faith and how we all have such a longing to see this sort of valiancy in our time. How much we are inspired by people of humble origins, like the hobbits, rise up despite their ability or experience and be willing to die for something- or someone that didn't really have an effect on their immediate circumstances. To see leaders who are more powerful than anyone on the planet, like Gandalf and Aragorn, display such humility and care for the ones they love that you would follow them to the ends of the earth whether they asked you or not. Very empowering to see a woman take down a great evil in a very non-feminazi way I promise. Eowyn makes me just darn proud to be a girl. But most of all, and I think we all find this to be true, I understand better the cause of Christ when I see Sam's devotion to his Mr. Frodo. Constantly protecting Frodo from all outside evils, and many times from himself. Giving more to Frodo than he takes for himself, and offering consistent and sincere words of encouragement in the darkest of times. Everyone needs a Sam. The command that we are to be the hands and feet is displayed when Sam who has neither seen food nor water in days, lifts up his friend and carrys him into the pits of hell. It reminds me of that peace that I have that passes understanding because the God of the universe stepped down and literally gave all so that I could see those unending fields of green and beautiful skies. And how poingentit was that Tolkien did not let the Hobbits go back to the Shire and return to normal. Nothing would ever be the same again, and after suffering so much, Frodo had to go to a place where he could rest. Yet another hope to hold onto for heaven. People love these stories because they want them to be true- and they are true in part, if you know Christ. And good ole' J.R.R. surely did and I think people can see that. That is a cool thing. What I didn't expect to move me was seeing the Dark Lord's tower come tumbling down. It was like seeing the Berlin wall being torn down, or the Iraqi people tearing down Sadaam's statue with thier bear hands. Or better yet, whether we see it or not, Satan's dominion over this world being forever destroyed.

Ok, so enough deepness I feel better about myself and now I can go on to talk about what parts I thought were just rad. Merry and Pippen truly turned from boys to men in this film, and I was just so proud! I loved it when Pippen sang to not only because its straight book stuff (people are always busting out into song) but Billy Boyd has a pretty good voice thier eh? Gandalf- just about everything he does is good, but busting out the light and making the ugly Nazgul go away was awesome. Always a pleasure to see Legolas do cool elf things, but taking down the Oliphant was by far his radest yet. Sam- rock on killing the Spider. The dead army was amazing as well, because I really couldnt picture that as I was reading so it was really a suprise. Minas Tirith was just breathtaking, and exactly how its described in the book. Can I live there? I also thought that the lighting of the beacons sequence was really moving, to see all the mountain peaks light up like that. Seeing Frodo and Gollum fight was great, and it made me totally nervous right on the edge of that buring lake of fire an all. Watching Gollum falling in and not even realizing he was falling to his death gave me shivers, I dont know how to put it, it just really broke my heart. And weddings...sigh- weddings are always good. Two in one film is even better. I was so glad of that. Those boys needed some good old fashioned wifely care after that battle.

Ok, so most of the parts I didnt like have to do with scenes I KNOW for a fact will be in Extended, so I'm not gunna go into it- unless you ask. :) Thanks for reading. Now go do something realistic.